I FIRED MY DENTIST

…Trump style! Yep it’s over. I guess you could say it was like a lousy one night stand. You get a little drunk (or a lot) claim your man for the night, hope it’s fabulous and shamefully for a minute picture yourself meeting his parents and having dinners in the City. When in reality, sober, you couldn’t spend five minutes with the dude and would have been better off with a hot bath and a glass of wine? Well, my dentist got me high on the idea of a celebrity smile and I ended up a little too tipsy to make a proper decision. O-M-G… I drank the Kool-Aid!

I should have run for the door screaming for people to get out of my way, my cute white purse flailing in my arms and my flat blonde hair waving madly a la Shakira when they offered me a paraffin wax for my hands while I waited for Dr. Jew.

I’m not a racist but I find racial humor hilarious. I’m not a bigot but I will laugh if you tell an off color joke that humors me. If someone makes fun of blondes, fat chicks, Irish people being drunks or women drivers I will not call Gloria Allred and sue your ass. I will simply giggle and laugh it off. In other words – if I call someone Dr. Jew and it offends you then my advice to you is: drink some Clorox and lighten the fuck up! He iss a Jew, who cares?

Anyhow, Dr. Jew was eager to compliment me on my eyes, this was red flag two. Way to be perceptive, Jackass! Ugh. He then pointed out all of my flaws. Now, I have always considered myself a fabulous self-flaw expert and to hear someone point out things that I didn’t necessarily see before sent me in a bit of a tailspin. When he pointed out about seven things that were flawed with my smile I felt as though I was in a hypnosis chair while someone holding a necklace, with a shiny bauble attached to the end began telling me I was getting very sleepy.

Naturally, when he asked if I would like to have all of these things fixed if there were “A. no pain, B. in a short amount of time and C. if it fits into my budget,” of course, in my drunken stupor, I said a very enthusiastic and dramatic (ahem) “YES! YES!” Like a girl accepting a proposal!

Just as a hypnotist snaps you out of your brief coma with his fingers, I somehow managed to jolt out of my hazy daydream of having a sparkly white smile that would rival the entire cast of Friends and think about the numbers.

Okay, Dr. Jew – give it to me straight! What’s this fancy schmancy makeover going to cost me? Is my left canine (learned something new) tooth really so totally dwarfed in an inward direction that it’s actually going to cost $8,000 worth of porcelain veneers to remedy and oh yes, I did see your interview on Fox News!

Well, Dr. Jew has something better than your typical computer that spits out an efficient invoice. Dr. Jew has MIMI.

Ever walked into Sephora and all the ladies (and some men) are dressed in all black and wearing those head pieces? It’s almost like high-tech walkie talkies!? A side note, I cringe that I have to even drop my favorite store in all the land in a story about a trip to the dentist however, you need this image in your mind to understand MIMI!

Dr. Jew leads me into an office and quickly tells Tiara (real name), the hygienist in training, to sit with me until Mimi can break away from whatever important task a TREATMENT COORDINATOR (not making this up) has to do.

I attempt small talk with Tiara because she wasn’t … how shall I say it… well, talkative. I awkwardly sit in this little room with a computer and a gazzilion and one (yes, that is a real number) accolades for Dr. Jew hanging on the walls and I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait for MIMI.

Finally I ask Tiara if she “ever gets sick of looking at teeth all day.” She says no and that she is most happy to see the end result and the patients so happy. What a sales pitch!

Finally, MIMI and her headset breeze in. She gives me that sympathetic look like someone has just kicked my dog and asks if I’m okay. My first reaction is the vision of me clubbing her in the head like a baby seal and saying “NO, I AM NOT OKAY! MY BRIDGE IS CHIPPED AND I WANT IT FIXED! WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME A GODDAMN PRICE BEFORE I SCREAM!”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

Of course, it would have to be a nerf club (I do not support harming any animals, ahem) because I am quite certain that I would never survive jail. Seriously think about that for a minute! Ha! Think about the ho that cuts you off at the grocery store or the old man in the painters cap, driving his Cadillac that pulls out in front of you only to do five miles below the speed limit, or how about when you go to pay for your gas the foreigner in front of you buys $75 worth of Powerball tickets (AND picks the numbers for each one). You could simply bop them with your nerf club. It wouldn’t hurt them. I mean, you may end up shot in some urban areas if you try to pull that but hey, sometimes just thinking about clobbering one of these aholes for the fun of it feels great!

Anyway…

MIMI parks it in the chair next to me and quickly punches in a couple passwords and my picture comes up. Out of the corner of my eye I could swear I see the number $16,285. Surely, that’s incorrect.

It wasn’t.

“So to do everything it will be $16,285”

I give her an instant, “no that’s far too much” and then she tells me okay well to just do the necessities it’s going to be $8500.

I now hate Dr. Jew and the C U Next Tuesday, MIMI!

Not only have I gone into the office and had my flaws pointed out, been offered a paraffin wax, the remote control (to watch HGTV of course), my eyes complimented, now, in one foul swoop, I feel completely hideous… think Cameron Diaz in Shrek when everyone discovered she was really an ogre…yeah, kind of like that. Not only am I free to roam the streets looking like a troll with a crooked un-Courtney-Cox-like-smile (she really does have great teeth) but I need to come up with a fat bank roll of cash!

This news is nothing a bottle of wine won’t fix.

A magnum.

The more I thought about my appointment and the way I felt and the way they went about everything the more incensed I am at my one day affair with Dr. Jew. In some ways, I want to tell him that he should have kissed me before he EFFED me … although, I’m sure he’s just doing his job and wants to make wads of cash. I mean who else is going to pay for the paraffin waxer’s salary but poor lil ole me?

AHOLES!

So, I decided this morning that we have to part ways. I was going to be very dignified, thank MIMI for her time and effort and let them know that I would be shopping around! I mean you could buy a car for $8500 and no one expects anyone to buy the first car they see, and accept the first offer (ahem, see future blog about car dealerships and women).

Paula, the third or fourth hygienist that graced my dental chair-side yesterday calls this morning around nine to see if by any chance could I possibly switch my 4:30 appointment for today and come in at eleven. Oh yes, in my haze I agreed to start Part One of the makeover today. I felt the pressure and I caved like a folding chair under Michael Moore’s ass.

I work for a living people and cannot rush off to get paraffin waxes and dental procedures on a whim!

When I call back and ask for Paula, Bimbo Receptionist 1 asks what is this in reference to? I tell her that it’s in reference to retuning a call about an appointment and who picks up… yep, MIMI!

Here’s my opportunity!

I watched every episode of Season 1 of the Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice so I try to channel my best Donald Trump! I’m not taking shit from anyone! After all, Dr. Jew WORKS for me!

“Mimi,” I begin… and go on to tell her that although I thought the office was fantastic I really don’t feel comfortable spending that much money on a procedure without shopping around. You can tell Mimi is the kind of girl who hasn’t been turned down much (in the business sense). Although she is not totally unfortunate looking, she isn’t what I would call beautiful. I definitely threw her for a loop and she quickly recaps the necessary work that I need in a strange attempt to lure me back into their hypnotic daze of complimentary waiting room massages, personal flat screens and paraffin waxes all for the bargain price of $8500.

I thank her and tell her that I would like to cancel today’s appointment. She huffs about being “glad they called” as if I wasn’t going to extend the courtesy of a cancellation call (and I totally was). Bitch.

This annoys me so I have no problem asking what would be a good time to pick up the $120 x-rays that I BOUGHT yesterday. She stammers a minute and then tells me to come in tomorrow, that they will be waiting at the desk and apologizes that I feel this way and quickly (in one last attempt) offers the fact that they have two other dentists in the practice that would also be able to take a look and offer their most expert opinions.

Is she fucking kidding me? I must look a lot stupider than I am sometimes… what with my pretty eyes and snaggle tooth?

I say thanks….and confirm that I will be picking up the x-rays tomorrow. I have stinking suspicion that Mimi will have them in her pocket and we will have this lovely discussion face to face. Wouldn’t that make for a juicy Part Two of “I Fired My Dentist!”

Anyway…

“DR. JEW, MIMI…YOU’RE FIRED!”

Cheers!