My job is over.
It’s beyond quiet in my office. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next three months in this library-esque office. I hate it. It could be worse. I could not be collecting a paycheck for the next three months. To say that this office closing, company being dissolved shit is stressful would be a massive understatement. I hate it. I really do. I liked this job. I would have stayed here a very long time provided regular raises and bonuses were awarded.
Now, I regret taking a job without dental insurance. Yesterday I found out that I need $8500 worth of dental work. Well, $16,285 if I want to correct my ‘hideous’ (my word) smile. It’s not bright enough, not wide enough and certainly not TV ready. Who gives a shit? I don’t want to be the next Diane Sawyer! I just want to have a pretty smile. Although, I may not have the bright sparklers you’d find on any given sitcom star, I don’t think I’m sending people in the opposite direction screaming “crack whore with bad teeth!?”
In any case, I have to now sit here every day and take my one menial task and stretch it out over the course of the day, week, month, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful I wasn’t booted out on my well-padded ass and given two weeks pay, which could have happened. I am grateful for the large severance check that awaits me at the end of this debacle but at the same time there IS something to be said for ripping the Band-Aid off quickly. This is like slow, painful demise.
And where is that letter I was promised? You know, the one that said that I was going to get six months worth of pay as severance (oh and I plan to negotiate an extra 30 days of medical)? It surely would make me feel just a wee-bit (okay, a lot) more confident and comfortable that I won’t be sitting on a corner wearing a sign “WILL WORK FOR FOOD” (and dog food) anytime soon. Ugh.
So now what? Now, I have to call some contacts. That almost sounds funny to me. Job contacts. I really don’t feel as though I have any. I do have the recruiters that got me here and they were as aggressive as sharks, which is good and bad. They don’t hesitate to tell you ‘how it is’ and they also won’t hesitate to tell you ‘there’s nothing for you’ or ‘this job requires a degree,’ which I don’t have.
Oh, why didn’t I finish college? Oh yeah, I hated it. I know I should have but I didn’t want to. I’ve always fancied myself the creative type, you know a real “right-brainer!” Now what to do? I’ve landed myself on a resume chock full o’ business experience, which is good…and bad.
I don’t have the background for a creative job. I have oodles of creativity to show off but I’m not sure that’s going to land me in the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to (ahem, living paycheck to paycheck). I would like to get out of that hamster wheel long enough to know what disposable income is. Still, I would be satisfied to be able to live comfortably which includes, but is not limited to, regular pedicures, good toilet paper, a couple trips to Sephora (I have sensitive skin what can I do), decent wine (absolutely not from a box), a few nights a month out to dinner with friends, keeping my hair appointments with Frank and of course keeping my house stocked with Charlotte’s organic dog food. She simply cannot live on Purina! Have you seen her fur? Come on!
I’m so bored right now I don’t know what to do with myself but stew and worry about the future, my next job, my bank account, my teeth, the state of the economy, Iraq, the missing kids I saw on Fox this morning, humidity and the fact that my carbon footprint is probably not up to snuff etc. etc. etc. Wait, I know! To pass the time I’ll write and heck maybe even throw it on a myspace blog ha!
In any case, here I am pounding away at the keyboard thinking of the latest and greatest buzzwords for my resume and here’s what I have come up with so far:
Initiated
Created
Updated
Tracked
Designed
Managed
Formulated
Proactively…needed wine every day during her job search
Who comes up with this stuff? Seriously why can’t we just use quick bullet points and say here’s what I can do? Not only am I master at all Windows programs but I can also paint, write, drink a good bottle of red on any given Friday, provide comic relief and do a mean moonwalk if inspired? Wouldn’t this be an attention grabber? Wouldn’t it be better for my potential employers to know that I’m not just responsible for creating marketing material used in email blasts for business development or that I can read a mean credit report and surmise who is and who isn’t a good risk (oh the irony)? Aren’t they the least bit curious how fun and cute I am… on paper AND in person? Apparently not.
I can’t exactly answer the potential (and so irritating) question of how do you spend a typical day at the office with, “reading Perez Hilton” and Googling “who gives a shit” or that I have become a whiz at Hearts? I’ll need to come up with something witty and diversionary for this one! Also, I, truly from the depths of my soul, HATE beyond compare this one, “where do you see yourself in five years?” Honestly, who the fuck can answer that question? I would love for some company to pull out the interview notes on their ace project manager (who’s been their ace project manager for the past five years) and see what he said about his Five Year Plan! I guarantee it’s not even close.
Yet, I am now forced to muster up something better than, “in five years I totally see myself married to a very sexy, rich man, living in Greenwich (more than likely Back Country), driving a Land Rover to my 9AM pilates class so that I can be done in time for my martini lunch with the ladies, trip to Sephora and then home in time to cook a stellar (extremely healthy) fabulously romantic dinner for my hot husband who pays all the bills so I don’t have to answer piece of shit questions from fat, bald guys about my Five Year Plan. Ugh, people suck.
****Honorable Mentions – “What are your weaknesses” and “Describe your Ideal Boss.” I mean seriously – what did they do Google Interview Questions???? Well, I don’t have any weaknesses and I’d like to work for someone who isn’t a shithead? That about do it for you?
Bitch much? Yeah, I know. I’m complaining a lot. I’m pretty sure it’s to do with the fact that I just got back from vacation yesterday and the stellar co-worker (who will heretofore be known as “Glinda”- long story) did nothing to provide any sort of back up in my absence and left (for lack of better words) a pile of shit for me to come back to. I mean we aren’t talking Rocket Science here, folks. We’re talking things like she actually took the effort to PRINT an email out (addressed to both of us) and write a note on it saying “do you know what this is”? Rather than taking half the time of responding to the emailer saying “what company is this in regards to?” Give me a fucking break! I have never met someone as lazy as Glinda and I mean LAZY!
Not only lazy but has come up with the most unbelievable excuses for not coming and/or being late to work (a LOT). Some of my favorites include:
A metal box fell on my daughter at camp and I need to go check on her
The dog ran through mud and I had to schedule an emergency grooming session
The plumber is coming (Monday)
My mother in law needs a sitter (granted she is in poor health but they are loaded and have 2 home nurses both who apparently called in sick the same day - puhhhlease)
The plumber is here (Wednesday)
My basement flooded (once a week for about 3-4 months)
My back hurts and I need an emergency chiropractic appointment
Daughter missed the bus (Wednesday and Thursday)
I have a school meeting (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday)
The plumber has to come back (during lunch hour on Thursday)
I’m going to see my trainer (could you order me a grilled cheese and bacon with your lunch – huh?)
The chiropractor’s dog got out while the plumber hurt his back driving his daughter to school because she missed the bus and could you please throw tomato on that sandwich too?
Yeah, this is not a joke. Everything above was used and used over and over again. You know how you have that slutty girl in high school that you joke needs to move to another town because she’s “done everyone in Town X?” Well, Glinda has exhausted these excuses like this chick exhausted her vag. Whatever. This is something I will NOT miss about this job.
My boss is good though. I like him. He is definitely a piece of work. I’ve never seen someone so impatient at a restaurant before…AND I was a waitress! HA! He’s pretty much one step away from snapping his fingers (at the help) and getting a healthy glob of snot in his iced tea…but who am I to say? I know he’s busy – born and raised in NYC so that does automatically set a person’s energy level at 10. I’ve often thought that I’d love to see him plastered at a karaoke bar singing some Billy Joel or maybe Beatles song? I think it’d be hysterical. I would also like to then get it on tape and threaten that if he doesn’t give me a decent dental plan tout de suite then his ass (and voice) are You Tube bound!
I think he will stay true to his word though. I do trust that the deal he promised me will come to fruition and he was very complimentary on the day of my ass-booting. He offered to write me a most excellent recommendation letter and talk about contacts… whoa – the man IS the Who’s Who list! He knows everyone. Some very interesting boarding school friends call with the oddest of names (some friendlier than others and some not). I would love it if he could assist me in my next job placement (preferably at a company with a more than two year shelf life oh, and have I mentioned I need a dental plan).
The thing that sucks the hardest about this process is that in the past when I have been looking for jobs it was either A) because I was moving (yet again) or B) because I hated my job. I would salivate over the prospects that monster.com laid out for me like they were secret little escape hatches! I could instantly imagine myself a “Project Manager,” “Business Development Coordinator,” “Personal Chef,” “CEO,” a “Work from Home Genius” and it was always a search for something better. I liked this job. I want to stay.
It’s like those do-gooder types that throw themselves in front a historical property and vow not to move (while the blasting team rolls in on their tractors) to stop the tearing down of a beautiful structure just to build shitty condos. I kind of feel like that. But, it’s a losing battle.
The plan of attack! I need to make a list. I need to make a list of the people I can call, all the recruiters in the area, create a stupendous resume that stands out (for all good reasons) and start circulating. There are so many things to do and people to call and I think a good solid, healthy list of tasks is in order.
M’s TASK LIST:
- Get a pedicure (seriously my toes look like shit and how can I possibly interview looking like trailer trash)
- Create a list of buzzwords to use in my resume (check)
- Do first draft of resume
- Send resume to Dad for edits
- Call recruiters
- Talk to boss and get an update about time left before the hourglass runs dry
- Put some feelers out for our sales force – maybe someone knows someone who…
- Buy wine
- Sell art (surely someone has a cat they need painted or a house…anything)
- Save money (perhaps this is a good list for tomorrow – what to cut out – gag me)
- Oh and call insurance company to see what the coverage on therapeutic massage is (stress kills, people)
- Make appointments with eye, cooch, and dermatologist doctors before insurance runs out
- Put vacation pictures on myspace – okay a little off topic but it’s still something I have to do
- Cancel dental appointment – always seek a second opinion I say
- Buy more wine
Wow. I have a lot to do. Suddenly my rather menial day just got busy and it’s just about time for lunch…
Cheers!
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