I FIRED MY DENTIST

…Trump style! Yep it’s over. I guess you could say it was like a lousy one night stand. You get a little drunk (or a lot) claim your man for the night, hope it’s fabulous and shamefully for a minute picture yourself meeting his parents and having dinners in the City. When in reality, sober, you couldn’t spend five minutes with the dude and would have been better off with a hot bath and a glass of wine? Well, my dentist got me high on the idea of a celebrity smile and I ended up a little too tipsy to make a proper decision. O-M-G… I drank the Kool-Aid!

I should have run for the door screaming for people to get out of my way, my cute white purse flailing in my arms and my flat blonde hair waving madly a la Shakira when they offered me a paraffin wax for my hands while I waited for Dr. Jew.

I’m not a racist but I find racial humor hilarious. I’m not a bigot but I will laugh if you tell an off color joke that humors me. If someone makes fun of blondes, fat chicks, Irish people being drunks or women drivers I will not call Gloria Allred and sue your ass. I will simply giggle and laugh it off. In other words – if I call someone Dr. Jew and it offends you then my advice to you is: drink some Clorox and lighten the fuck up! He iss a Jew, who cares?

Anyhow, Dr. Jew was eager to compliment me on my eyes, this was red flag two. Way to be perceptive, Jackass! Ugh. He then pointed out all of my flaws. Now, I have always considered myself a fabulous self-flaw expert and to hear someone point out things that I didn’t necessarily see before sent me in a bit of a tailspin. When he pointed out about seven things that were flawed with my smile I felt as though I was in a hypnosis chair while someone holding a necklace, with a shiny bauble attached to the end began telling me I was getting very sleepy.

Naturally, when he asked if I would like to have all of these things fixed if there were “A. no pain, B. in a short amount of time and C. if it fits into my budget,” of course, in my drunken stupor, I said a very enthusiastic and dramatic (ahem) “YES! YES!” Like a girl accepting a proposal!

Just as a hypnotist snaps you out of your brief coma with his fingers, I somehow managed to jolt out of my hazy daydream of having a sparkly white smile that would rival the entire cast of Friends and think about the numbers.

Okay, Dr. Jew – give it to me straight! What’s this fancy schmancy makeover going to cost me? Is my left canine (learned something new) tooth really so totally dwarfed in an inward direction that it’s actually going to cost $8,000 worth of porcelain veneers to remedy and oh yes, I did see your interview on Fox News!

Well, Dr. Jew has something better than your typical computer that spits out an efficient invoice. Dr. Jew has MIMI.

Ever walked into Sephora and all the ladies (and some men) are dressed in all black and wearing those head pieces? It’s almost like high-tech walkie talkies!? A side note, I cringe that I have to even drop my favorite store in all the land in a story about a trip to the dentist however, you need this image in your mind to understand MIMI!

Dr. Jew leads me into an office and quickly tells Tiara (real name), the hygienist in training, to sit with me until Mimi can break away from whatever important task a TREATMENT COORDINATOR (not making this up) has to do.

I attempt small talk with Tiara because she wasn’t … how shall I say it… well, talkative. I awkwardly sit in this little room with a computer and a gazzilion and one (yes, that is a real number) accolades for Dr. Jew hanging on the walls and I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait for MIMI.

Finally I ask Tiara if she “ever gets sick of looking at teeth all day.” She says no and that she is most happy to see the end result and the patients so happy. What a sales pitch!

Finally, MIMI and her headset breeze in. She gives me that sympathetic look like someone has just kicked my dog and asks if I’m okay. My first reaction is the vision of me clubbing her in the head like a baby seal and saying “NO, I AM NOT OKAY! MY BRIDGE IS CHIPPED AND I WANT IT FIXED! WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME A GODDAMN PRICE BEFORE I SCREAM!”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

Of course, it would have to be a nerf club (I do not support harming any animals, ahem) because I am quite certain that I would never survive jail. Seriously think about that for a minute! Ha! Think about the ho that cuts you off at the grocery store or the old man in the painters cap, driving his Cadillac that pulls out in front of you only to do five miles below the speed limit, or how about when you go to pay for your gas the foreigner in front of you buys $75 worth of Powerball tickets (AND picks the numbers for each one). You could simply bop them with your nerf club. It wouldn’t hurt them. I mean, you may end up shot in some urban areas if you try to pull that but hey, sometimes just thinking about clobbering one of these aholes for the fun of it feels great!

Anyway…

MIMI parks it in the chair next to me and quickly punches in a couple passwords and my picture comes up. Out of the corner of my eye I could swear I see the number $16,285. Surely, that’s incorrect.

It wasn’t.

“So to do everything it will be $16,285”

I give her an instant, “no that’s far too much” and then she tells me okay well to just do the necessities it’s going to be $8500.

I now hate Dr. Jew and the C U Next Tuesday, MIMI!

Not only have I gone into the office and had my flaws pointed out, been offered a paraffin wax, the remote control (to watch HGTV of course), my eyes complimented, now, in one foul swoop, I feel completely hideous… think Cameron Diaz in Shrek when everyone discovered she was really an ogre…yeah, kind of like that. Not only am I free to roam the streets looking like a troll with a crooked un-Courtney-Cox-like-smile (she really does have great teeth) but I need to come up with a fat bank roll of cash!

This news is nothing a bottle of wine won’t fix.

A magnum.

The more I thought about my appointment and the way I felt and the way they went about everything the more incensed I am at my one day affair with Dr. Jew. In some ways, I want to tell him that he should have kissed me before he EFFED me … although, I’m sure he’s just doing his job and wants to make wads of cash. I mean who else is going to pay for the paraffin waxer’s salary but poor lil ole me?

AHOLES!

So, I decided this morning that we have to part ways. I was going to be very dignified, thank MIMI for her time and effort and let them know that I would be shopping around! I mean you could buy a car for $8500 and no one expects anyone to buy the first car they see, and accept the first offer (ahem, see future blog about car dealerships and women).

Paula, the third or fourth hygienist that graced my dental chair-side yesterday calls this morning around nine to see if by any chance could I possibly switch my 4:30 appointment for today and come in at eleven. Oh yes, in my haze I agreed to start Part One of the makeover today. I felt the pressure and I caved like a folding chair under Michael Moore’s ass.

I work for a living people and cannot rush off to get paraffin waxes and dental procedures on a whim!

When I call back and ask for Paula, Bimbo Receptionist 1 asks what is this in reference to? I tell her that it’s in reference to retuning a call about an appointment and who picks up… yep, MIMI!

Here’s my opportunity!

I watched every episode of Season 1 of the Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice so I try to channel my best Donald Trump! I’m not taking shit from anyone! After all, Dr. Jew WORKS for me!

“Mimi,” I begin… and go on to tell her that although I thought the office was fantastic I really don’t feel comfortable spending that much money on a procedure without shopping around. You can tell Mimi is the kind of girl who hasn’t been turned down much (in the business sense). Although she is not totally unfortunate looking, she isn’t what I would call beautiful. I definitely threw her for a loop and she quickly recaps the necessary work that I need in a strange attempt to lure me back into their hypnotic daze of complimentary waiting room massages, personal flat screens and paraffin waxes all for the bargain price of $8500.

I thank her and tell her that I would like to cancel today’s appointment. She huffs about being “glad they called” as if I wasn’t going to extend the courtesy of a cancellation call (and I totally was). Bitch.

This annoys me so I have no problem asking what would be a good time to pick up the $120 x-rays that I BOUGHT yesterday. She stammers a minute and then tells me to come in tomorrow, that they will be waiting at the desk and apologizes that I feel this way and quickly (in one last attempt) offers the fact that they have two other dentists in the practice that would also be able to take a look and offer their most expert opinions.

Is she fucking kidding me? I must look a lot stupider than I am sometimes… what with my pretty eyes and snaggle tooth?

I say thanks….and confirm that I will be picking up the x-rays tomorrow. I have stinking suspicion that Mimi will have them in her pocket and we will have this lovely discussion face to face. Wouldn’t that make for a juicy Part Two of “I Fired My Dentist!”

Anyway…

“DR. JEW, MIMI…YOU’RE FIRED!”

Cheers!

GIVEN THE BOOT

My job is over.

It’s beyond quiet in my office. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next three months in this library-esque office. I hate it. It could be worse. I could not be collecting a paycheck for the next three months. To say that this office closing, company being dissolved shit is stressful would be a massive understatement. I hate it. I really do. I liked this job. I would have stayed here a very long time provided regular raises and bonuses were awarded.

Now, I regret taking a job without dental insurance. Yesterday I found out that I need $8500 worth of dental work. Well, $16,285 if I want to correct my ‘hideous’ (my word) smile. It’s not bright enough, not wide enough and certainly not TV ready. Who gives a shit? I don’t want to be the next Diane Sawyer! I just want to have a pretty smile. Although, I may not have the bright sparklers you’d find on any given sitcom star, I don’t think I’m sending people in the opposite direction screaming “crack whore with bad teeth!?”

In any case, I have to now sit here every day and take my one menial task and stretch it out over the course of the day, week, month, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful I wasn’t booted out on my well-padded ass and given two weeks pay, which could have happened. I am grateful for the large severance check that awaits me at the end of this debacle but at the same time there IS something to be said for ripping the Band-Aid off quickly. This is like slow, painful demise.

And where is that letter I was promised? You know, the one that said that I was going to get six months worth of pay as severance (oh and I plan to negotiate an extra 30 days of medical)? It surely would make me feel just a wee-bit (okay, a lot) more confident and comfortable that I won’t be sitting on a corner wearing a sign “WILL WORK FOR FOOD” (and dog food) anytime soon. Ugh.

So now what? Now, I have to call some contacts. That almost sounds funny to me. Job contacts. I really don’t feel as though I have any. I do have the recruiters that got me here and they were as aggressive as sharks, which is good and bad. They don’t hesitate to tell you ‘how it is’ and they also won’t hesitate to tell you ‘there’s nothing for you’ or ‘this job requires a degree,’ which I don’t have.

Oh, why didn’t I finish college? Oh yeah, I hated it. I know I should have but I didn’t want to. I’ve always fancied myself the creative type, you know a real “right-brainer!” Now what to do? I’ve landed myself on a resume chock full o’ business experience, which is good…and bad.

I don’t have the background for a creative job. I have oodles of creativity to show off but I’m not sure that’s going to land me in the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to (ahem, living paycheck to paycheck). I would like to get out of that hamster wheel long enough to know what disposable income is. Still, I would be satisfied to be able to live comfortably which includes, but is not limited to, regular pedicures, good toilet paper, a couple trips to Sephora (I have sensitive skin what can I do), decent wine (absolutely not from a box), a few nights a month out to dinner with friends, keeping my hair appointments with Frank and of course keeping my house stocked with Charlotte’s organic dog food. She simply cannot live on Purina! Have you seen her fur? Come on!

I’m so bored right now I don’t know what to do with myself but stew and worry about the future, my next job, my bank account, my teeth, the state of the economy, Iraq, the missing kids I saw on Fox this morning, humidity and the fact that my carbon footprint is probably not up to snuff etc. etc. etc. Wait, I know! To pass the time I’ll write and heck maybe even throw it on a myspace blog ha!

In any case, here I am pounding away at the keyboard thinking of the latest and greatest buzzwords for my resume and here’s what I have come up with so far:

Initiated

Created

Updated

Tracked

Designed

Managed

Formulated

Proactively…needed wine every day during her job search

Who comes up with this stuff? Seriously why can’t we just use quick bullet points and say here’s what I can do? Not only am I master at all Windows programs but I can also paint, write, drink a good bottle of red on any given Friday, provide comic relief and do a mean moonwalk if inspired? Wouldn’t this be an attention grabber? Wouldn’t it be better for my potential employers to know that I’m not just responsible for creating marketing material used in email blasts for business development or that I can read a mean credit report and surmise who is and who isn’t a good risk (oh the irony)? Aren’t they the least bit curious how fun and cute I am… on paper AND in person? Apparently not.

I can’t exactly answer the potential (and so irritating) question of how do you spend a typical day at the office with, “reading Perez Hilton” and Googling “who gives a shit” or that I have become a whiz at Hearts? I’ll need to come up with something witty and diversionary for this one! Also, I, truly from the depths of my soul, HATE beyond compare this one, “where do you see yourself in five years?” Honestly, who the fuck can answer that question? I would love for some company to pull out the interview notes on their ace project manager (who’s been their ace project manager for the past five years) and see what he said about his Five Year Plan! I guarantee it’s not even close.

Yet, I am now forced to muster up something better than, “in five years I totally see myself married to a very sexy, rich man, living in Greenwich (more than likely Back Country), driving a Land Rover to my 9AM pilates class so that I can be done in time for my martini lunch with the ladies, trip to Sephora and then home in time to cook a stellar (extremely healthy) fabulously romantic dinner for my hot husband who pays all the bills so I don’t have to answer piece of shit questions from fat, bald guys about my Five Year Plan. Ugh, people suck.

****Honorable Mentions – “What are your weaknesses” and “Describe your Ideal Boss.” I mean seriously – what did they do Google Interview Questions???? Well, I don’t have any weaknesses and I’d like to work for someone who isn’t a shithead? That about do it for you?

Bitch much? Yeah, I know. I’m complaining a lot. I’m pretty sure it’s to do with the fact that I just got back from vacation yesterday and the stellar co-worker (who will heretofore be known as “Glinda”- long story) did nothing to provide any sort of back up in my absence and left (for lack of better words) a pile of shit for me to come back to. I mean we aren’t talking Rocket Science here, folks. We’re talking things like she actually took the effort to PRINT an email out (addressed to both of us) and write a note on it saying “do you know what this is”? Rather than taking half the time of responding to the emailer saying “what company is this in regards to?” Give me a fucking break! I have never met someone as lazy as Glinda and I mean LAZY!

Not only lazy but has come up with the most unbelievable excuses for not coming and/or being late to work (a LOT). Some of my favorites include:

A metal box fell on my daughter at camp and I need to go check on her

The dog ran through mud and I had to schedule an emergency grooming session

The plumber is coming (Monday)

My mother in law needs a sitter (granted she is in poor health but they are loaded and have 2 home nurses both who apparently called in sick the same day - puhhhlease)

The plumber is here (Wednesday)
My basement flooded (once a week for about 3-4 months)

My back hurts and I need an emergency chiropractic appointment

Daughter missed the bus (Wednesday and Thursday)

I have a school meeting (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday)

The plumber has to come back (during lunch hour on Thursday)

I’m going to see my trainer (could you order me a grilled cheese and bacon with your lunch – huh?)

The chiropractor’s dog got out while the plumber hurt his back driving his daughter to school because she missed the bus and could you please throw tomato on that sandwich too?

Yeah, this is not a joke. Everything above was used and used over and over again. You know how you have that slutty girl in high school that you joke needs to move to another town because she’s “done everyone in Town X?” Well, Glinda has exhausted these excuses like this chick exhausted her vag. Whatever. This is something I will NOT miss about this job.

My boss is good though. I like him. He is definitely a piece of work. I’ve never seen someone so impatient at a restaurant before…AND I was a waitress! HA! He’s pretty much one step away from snapping his fingers (at the help) and getting a healthy glob of snot in his iced tea…but who am I to say? I know he’s busy – born and raised in NYC so that does automatically set a person’s energy level at 10. I’ve often thought that I’d love to see him plastered at a karaoke bar singing some Billy Joel or maybe Beatles song? I think it’d be hysterical. I would also like to then get it on tape and threaten that if he doesn’t give me a decent dental plan tout de suite then his ass (and voice) are You Tube bound!

I think he will stay true to his word though. I do trust that the deal he promised me will come to fruition and he was very complimentary on the day of my ass-booting. He offered to write me a most excellent recommendation letter and talk about contacts… whoa – the man IS the Who’s Who list! He knows everyone. Some very interesting boarding school friends call with the oddest of names (some friendlier than others and some not). I would love it if he could assist me in my next job placement (preferably at a company with a more than two year shelf life oh, and have I mentioned I need a dental plan).

The thing that sucks the hardest about this process is that in the past when I have been looking for jobs it was either A) because I was moving (yet again) or B) because I hated my job. I would salivate over the prospects that monster.com laid out for me like they were secret little escape hatches! I could instantly imagine myself a “Project Manager,” “Business Development Coordinator,” “Personal Chef,” “CEO,” a “Work from Home Genius” and it was always a search for something better. I liked this job. I want to stay.

It’s like those do-gooder types that throw themselves in front a historical property and vow not to move (while the blasting team rolls in on their tractors) to stop the tearing down of a beautiful structure just to build shitty condos. I kind of feel like that. But, it’s a losing battle.

The plan of attack! I need to make a list. I need to make a list of the people I can call, all the recruiters in the area, create a stupendous resume that stands out (for all good reasons) and start circulating. There are so many things to do and people to call and I think a good solid, healthy list of tasks is in order.

M’s TASK LIST:

1. Get a pedicure (seriously my toes look like shit and how can I possibly interview looking like trailer trash)
2. Create a list of buzzwords to use in my resume (check)
3. Do first draft of resume
4. Send resume to Dad for edits
5. Call recruiters
6. Talk to boss and get an update about time left before the hourglass runs dry
7. Put some feelers out for our sales force – maybe someone knows someone who…
8. Buy wine
9. Sell art (surely someone has a cat they need painted or a house…anything)
10. Save money (perhaps this is a good list for tomorrow – what to cut out – gag me)
11. Oh and call insurance company to see what the coverage on therapeutic massage is (stress kills, people)
12. Make appointments with eye, cooch, and dermatologist doctors before insurance runs out
13. Put vacation pictures on myspace – okay a little off topic but it’s still something I have to do
14. Cancel dental appointment – always seek a second opinion I say
15. Buy more wine

Wow. I have a lot to do. Suddenly my rather menial day just got busy and it’s just about time for lunch…

Cheers!